Sonnet LXXXI: Rest with your dream inside my dream

Already, you are mine. Rest with your dream inside my dream.
Love, grief, labour, must sleep now.
Night revolves on invisible wheels
and joined to me you are pure as sleeping amber.

No one else will sleep with my dream, love.
You will go we will go joined by the waters of time.
No other one will travel the shadows with me,
only you, eternal nature, eternal sun, eternal moon.

Already your hands have opened their delicate fists
and let fall, without direction, their gentle signs,
you eyes enclosing themselves like two grey wings,

while I follow the waters you bring that take me onwards:
night, Earth, winds weave their fate, and already,
not only am I not without you, I alone am your dream

-Pablo Neruda

p/s: is there any poetry reading place that you know in Malaysia? tell me please.

Ujian datang lagi

Bismillah.

21 November 2014

I was suspected of having fibroid in the ...............

So the doctor suggested that I should go for ultrasound in either Serdang just in Penang. back to my hometown. and booked the date for operation.
betul, nak buat secepat mungkin tapi macam susah je, thesis yang due next week, poster presentation on 18th December, final exam, industrial training.

Allah......

nak call ibu ayah nak bagitahu pasal benda ni sangat lah susah. susah, really susah. 

I googled on the causes that might contribute to the occurrence of the fibroid of benign tumor or what so ever it is:

• The monthly changes in the levels of oestrogen and progesterone are considered to be the most noteworthy factors contributing to this disease. These two hormones directly affect the b............. tissues by causing cells to grow and multiply.
• Prolactin, growth factor, thyroid hormone and insulin also influence the development of b............ fibroids.
• The b.............. produces hormonal products from its glandular and fat cells. These hormonal products send signals to the neighbouring b.............. cells. These signals are the key factors responsible for the development of b......... fibroids.

Zirah suggest sangat2, women out there please please do a frequent check on your body. No matter what age you are. because unexpected things could happened. 

Zirah harap boleh pergi intern on time, complete intern pun on time. so that boleh grad pun time. 

-SAKIT YANG KU RASA BIAR JADI PENAWAR DOSAKU-

in my sky at twilight

for the record, I am a poem lover.

even though sometimes I may not be able to interpret the meaning underneath it.

and I love classic poems more than the modern ones.

Yes, I admit it here.

older poems, 

they are like there's a lot more than just lines of words

they're like there's a treasure chest or bunch of pearls that are waiting to be dig up.

couple days ago, I met this poem

and it turns that it is Pablo Neruda's

so I guess I might be his #1 hard die fan.

in my sky at twilight 

In my sky at twilight you are like a cloud
and your form and colour are the way I love them.
You are mine, mine, woman with sweet lips
and in your life my infinite dreams live.

The lamp of my soul dyes your feet,
the sour wine is sweeter on your lips,
oh reaper of my evening song,
how solitary dreams believe you to be mine!

You are mine, mine, I go shouting it to the afternoon's
wind, and the wind hauls on my widowed voice.
Huntress of the depth of my eyes, your plunder
stills your nocturnal regard as though it were water.

You are taken in the net of my music, my love,
and my nets of music are wide as the sky.
My soul is born on the shore of your eyes of mourning.
In your eyes of mourning the land of dreams begin. 

If you're into the same thing as me, I'd gladly suggest you to buy this book. It is a compilation of some great poems. 

This is not one of the twilight saga trilogy. ohkay?? 

How I wish someone would buy me this for my coming birthday next month

or I'd find this book at the Big Bad Wolf book sale this year.

Please BBW committee, do bring this book to Malaysia. okay?

pre-internship dilemma

the future is unknown

the fate is God's secret

but the plan is in our hands.

I want to be Newton

I want to be Curie

but 

I want to be Shakespeare too

I want to be Dickinson too.

by then, I realized

that dream and reality aren't collided.

by then, I realized

to dream is on my own will

but to face reality isn't solely on human wills.

to the future unknown
the planner is me

the Decider is Him.

sambung pengajian dalam bidang sains

Bismillahirahmanirrahim..

ermmm.. hari ni rasa mcm nak cerita pasal taking science as your major study.

Rasanya, kalau tak silap zirah we started to choose our field of study when we were in Form 4. kan? forgive me if I'm wrong. Cerita zirah, yes macam biasa penuh duri, ranjau, dan tak kurang juga bunga. hahaha~

Lepas PMR dulu, nak ambik kelas account sebab minat sgt belajar math. tapi x pun, masuk kls sains agama. in which I learnt science and Arabic on the same time.

Bila dah habis SPM, where my result tak berapa nak elok lah from my own point of view. kalau org lain yg tengok slip SPM zirah, entah lah apa pandangan dia kan.

So, went to Matriculation college then. Kalau zaman zirah dulu kitorang kena pilih nak ambik Physics ke Biology. Either to be a doctor or an engineer. Me? Physics lah. Dulu kecik2 malas makan kismis, sebab tu payah nk hafal benda2 bio nih.. ngee

Moving to university, taking chemistry as a major. Specialized in Industrial Chemistry. Mula2 belajar tu mmg lah, belajar balik benda2 basic kimia. macam boring je kan? hahaha.

number of moles 
molarity
weight percent
enthalphy
entrophy
Gibbs energy

tapi lama2 bila dah start buat Honour Seminar, Research Methodology, Thesis
by then zirah sedar, Ya ALLAH ketinggalan zaman betul zirah selama ni.

Dah hampir seratus tahun dah org produce ammonia. Tapi zirah x tahu.

masa tahun 1832 orang dah start discover aspirin. Tapi zirah x tahu pun compound ape yg ade dlm dia.

Dah nak dekat beribu tahun dah orang tahu ape tu ATOM, ELECTRONS, NUCLEONS NUMBER, AVOGADRO NUMBER.

tapi zirah, tapi kita? YES, we don't know about that.



belajar Science tak relate dgn Islam, dgn AlQuran? Sape cakap? meh ngaku cepat... hehe


Relate lah. ye, mmg takde dlm buku teks Science tu ayat quran. Awak kena cari dan kaji sendiri.
Macam ayat AlQuran pertama sekali yg turun, IQRA'

BACA,

ALLAH nak suruh kita cari ilmu, bukan tunggu ilmu datang cari kita.

Bila ALLAH kata semua benda dicipta berpasang-pasangan. ALLAH tak tipu, sekecil2 chromosome pun ade pasangan dia.

Hydrogen gas pun hadir dgn pasangan dia, H-H. Chlorine pun, Cl-Cl.

Jujur zirah cakap, learning Science ni macam satu peluang utk kita discover benda2 baru. Macam sekarang, zirah baru kenal Montmorillonite, Eugenol ester, membrane and so on.

but the choice is in your own hands.

*jeles tengok kawan2 dah grad, dah konvo. zirah tahun depan insyaALLAH. 

my acne story 2

peace be upon you..

so, this is like a repost of my last "acne story" entry.. I wrote the entry in mixed language.. but then, most of the viewers are native English speaker. so, I bet they do not really understand it.

I started to have acne when I entered secondary school, acne which looked like rashes. and it leaves scars on my face. my mom had done everything to stop them. from, acne cream to every sorts of acne products. I can say it doesn't really worked, because you know I was a teen.

so time passed by and I went to matriculation college for my foundation program. It was right after graduation, my skin was at the most HORRIBLE state ever. in which lots and lots and lots of acne grows on it.

I had them both on my face and on my back. From the rashes-like acne, to a real BIG ones. well in Malaysia, we call this some disease as "kudis". I don't really know what is "kudis" in English, and this kudis is like a really bad rashes. My father thought that I might get caught with "kudis', so he brought me to a dermatology clinic.

I was told that it was just only acne, THANK GOD!
so, I was prescribed with antibiotics pills, shower foam and lotion cream. let me warned you first. treatment for skin diseases is lot more expensive compared to other treatment.

30 pills + a small bottle of shower foam + lotion of not even half of your palm size = RM 100

My Goodness, I was about to cry back then. imagine that was for only a month. I had to use them for three months. 3 months.

i repeat, THREE MONTHS.

my father, a man with love. he had

MISI PRIHATIN KEMBOJA - Kemboja Ramadhan ep 6

episode 6

The last day in Cambodia. Perasaan haruslah bercampur-baur. Rasa seronok sebab dah nak balik. Rasa sedih sebab mission dah tamat. 

O.V.E.R spells over.

Pepagi lagi tuan haji bawak kitorang pegi “Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum”. Museum ni nak cakap museum pun tak macam museum sangat. Bila dah nama pun genocide kan, museum yang blh kata scary lah.

genocide = killing = annihilation = massacre 

Sebenarnya museum ni sekolah, which later turned into a prison. There was a time, Cambodia was under the reign of a man, Pol Pot. This Pol Pot lah yang tukar sekolah ni jadi prison. Lots and lots and lots of people died over there. I think you better Google this, the history of this country. I’m not really confident here, because I might be confused and might be telling you the wrong story. Takut nanti zirah putar belit sejarah pulak. hehe.

And so that you know, I am not really fond of war, homicide, killing, blood etc etc. 

Masa pergi museum tu pun, zirah tried really hard buat-buat keras hati. Sebab takut terbayang-bayang those horrible things. You know, lots of people were killed there. Pembunuhan besar besaran, a massacre!! Kalau ikut dari cerita tuan haji, bagi Pol Pot rakyat ni “simpan pun tak guna, bunuh pun tak rugi”. and he loves to kill the scholars, yang cerdik bijak pandai. doctors, professors, engineers.

 one word, GILA !

Undang-undang penjara tu.

Despite of thousands of people were killed, there are two living survivors. And we met them. Zirah cerita pasal yang sorang je eh. Sebab cerita beliau, amazing yet sad.

His name is Bou Meng. Dulu, masa Mr. Meng dengan wife dia kena tangkap. They were separated, Mr. Meng kat penjara lain, wife dia kat penjara lain. Mereka ditangkap masa tahun 70s, tapi yang sedih nya Mr. Meng dapat tahu yang wife dia dah meninggal, dah kena bunuh masa tahun 2008.

Even though it hurts, it’s still LOVE.

The very last thing, shopping lah..!!

Kami pegi shopping di Pasar Temai, forgive me if I’m wrong. tapi yang zirah sure nama pasar tu Pasar Baru in bahasa sebab haji yusuf yang cakap macam tu kat zirah. hehe. saja nak repeat, haji 

Yusuf is a Cambodian taw.

dan bergambar,

 the geng solat jemaah, *asha, zira, kak hasanah, akhlisah*

the forever cool Kak Nana,

and, kak Abil.

walaupun mission ni dah habis, tapi kenangan dia tak akan habis-habis.

biar nanti kalau umur dipanjang Tuhan,

biar nanti kalau rezeki dimurah Ilahi,

biar kaki ini menapak kesana lg.

MISI PRIHATIN KEMBOJA - Kemboja Ramadhan ep 3

Pengembaraan diteruskan.

Dah 3 hari di Kemboja, bermakna hari ke 2 di Kg. Ambel. Hari kedua dimulakan dengan kuliah subuh by the one and only imam muda. Kuliah subuh tentang “wudhuk according to the Prophet” and being translated by ustaz Hanafi. Of course la iolls tahu, sebab iolls pegi.. hehe

So hari kedua ni, weolls bahagi dua group. Hygiene team dengan team dakwah. Iolls biasa lah, team hygiene lagi. Mission team hygiene hari ni are kutu and cacing. Held in Madrasah Darulrahim, Kg Ambel.

Ni lah sekolah mereka. Ada 2 kelas. Kalau tak silap kat sekolah ni mereka belajar ilmu agama. Kalau nak belajar bahasa omputih, bahasa Inggeris kena pegi sekolah lain.

The girls yang tengah tunggu turn nak datang “salon” weolls..

Tengok blackboard diorang. Sumpah buat zirah teringat zaman sekolah rendah dulu, masa pegi sekolah agama. Zaman pakai kain hijau, baju kurung putih. Zaman hingus meleleh lagi. Tapi seriously. Cuba baca. Bahasa melayu tuu... Sapa x dapat baca kena pegi megaji balik ni.. hahaha

Nah, bukti yang weolls buat kerja sapu ubat kutu. Tolong jangan sampai muntah hijau na. haha

Budak-budak yang tak puasa kita bagi makan ubat cacing. Sedap kan dik??

So does the boys. Cuma yang boys ni kita bagi mereka makan ubat cacing je.

Cop!! perasan tak rambut budak2 ni ada yang perang sikit? So, curiosity kills the cat. and it turns out that I am the cat. Zirah pun tanya la kat sorang akak ni pasai pa rambut depa perang, color ka? Akak tu cakap yang budak2 ni suka main panas, lepas tu terus mandi. Kubang kat sungai lah kot kan.. lepas tu main balik. That’s why lah rambut mereka jadi perang  naturally.

Ha, zirah dah bagi resipi dah on “bagaimana untuk mendapatkan rambut perang secara natural”. Apa lagi, cepat ramai2 pegi try.. huhu

On the same time, the other team sedang bertungkus lumus mengajar anak2 Kemboja cara-cara untuk mengambil wudhuk, solat dan niat puasa.

Nampak tak yang pakai baju bola warna kuning tu. That was the second most popular Cambodian boy among us. Qaiyum nama diberi. Handsome! The most popular boy? kena tunggu episode seterusnya lah.

The participants and their presents. hoyeahhhh~

Petang, lepas zohor weolls semua automatically masuk team prihatin. Yes, including Nabila Huda. Oh, lupa nak bagitahu. Nabila Huda sampai di kampung tengah hari tadi. This time di kampung sebelah, Kg. Phomsoi. Weolls pergi ke Phomsoi merempit macam otai kampung, naik motor bertiga. Bejalan dari rumah ke rumah, edar sumbangan yang berupa: sejadah, telekung, AlQuran dan sepeket kurma.

Of course la zirah ingat berapa rumah yang kami pergi, sebab zirah secretary petang tu. So nak tak nak, I have to follow Tuan Haji naik every house yang telah dipilih.

Tangga kayu, sure!

tak ada pemegang, some.

masa naik, I macam pro.

bila nak turun, merangkak.

tapi nil ah pengalaman yang sangat berharga.

Ok, petang tu nenek ni antara yang paling zirah tak boleh lupa. Can you imagine, 4 barang sumbangan tu kita dah pack dalam goodie bag. Ala, yang macam kita salu dapat kalau pegi seminar ke tu.. So, bila nak bagi sumbangan, kami kena la keluarkan barang2 tu sebab nak ambil gambar.

Bila ustaz yusuf keluarkan AlQuran, nenek ni dah terkejut.

Then keluarkan telekung, nenek ni double terkejut.

Pastu keluarkan sejadah, nenek ni dah mula sebak.

Last bila keluarkan kurma, nenek ni menangis.

Dapat bayangkan tak perasaan zira yang ada kat depan tu masa tu?? ALLAH…

Yang ni satu lagi, yang pakai tudung hijau tu la of couse. Yang sorang lagi tu Hasya.

Nama nya Rokiah, sama umur dengan zirah, dengan kami. 22. janda. lumpuh dari pinggang ke bawah.  living alone. kalau nak tahu, rumah dia kecik je. Made of zinc and wood.

22 years old,

we have colorful future waiting ahead,

thesis, final year, senior year, internship, graduation, career.

but she,

her house.

Dan mereka telah mengajar zira erti rasa BERSYUKUR.

to be continued

MISI PRIHATIN KEMBOJA - Kemboja Ramadhan ep 2

Episod 2.

~melangkah ke Phomsoi, Kg Cham~

I like to hold the lens, but I tend to regret it when there is so little of ‘me’ came out in the pictures.

Bertolak dari Phnom Penh jam 7 pg, lepas tu sampai di Phomsoi around 12. So bila tambah tolak darab bahagi, it took us about 5 hours. Ini pun sebab the driver took detour due to the unexpected condition of the jalan kampung. Tak pasti sama ada air sungai ke air apa yang pasang, jalan kampung dia lecak sangat. So van tak boleh nak lalu.

Bila sampai je kat Kampung tu, torkojut den. Macam satu kampung turun sambut kitorang. Omo~~ sweet lah korang!!

tapi, ada satu ‘incident’ ni buat zirah rasa macam nak menitik air mata. you know, bila kita pergi tempat orang then kita jumpa orang especially the elders. kita kan selalu salam cium tangan diorang, tapi ada satu Mai (nenek) ni dia cium tangan zirah.

“mai, no. Jangan!!”

Nak je jerit macam tu. Tapi zirah faham perasaan diorang. Diorang bersyukur sangat. TT_TT

oh, lupe nak pesan. hari ni zirah pakai shawl biru bertatahkan moustache ‘wakdoyok’. hohoho..

If the sun emits those hot rays,

They, the villagers emit warm greetings.

Jjanggg..

nilah rumah yang kitorang the girls tumpang tido, mandi sume kat Phomsoi. Rumah Ustazah Azimah.

Rasa rugi tak dapat nak sembang sangat dengan diorang. Mesti diorang teringin nak sembang dengan zirah, dengan kawan2 zirah kan?? Nak bagitahu cerita diorang, nak cerita kisah diorang..

First time nak bermesra dengan anak2 kat sana. Sedaq aih cheq ni dah tua. Tu pasai sebut anak2. ehehe~

Then, misi bermula!!

Petang ni divide jadi 2 group. Team prihatin & team hygiene. Cepat teka zirah team mn??

Taraaa.. team hygiene lor..

Skop keje team hygiene ni kalu dengar memang geli sikit. Some of us letak ubat kutu kat rambut dan kepala budak2 ni, some of us sikat rambut diorang untuk keluarkan kutu-kutu-kutu-kutu tuuuuu..

Can you imagine, zirah yang takde adik pempuan ni mana penah tengok kutu. Kalau tengok dalam buku Teks Science form 2 dulu penah laa. tu pun gambar sajo.

Kat sana laa baru dapat tengok kutu.. Jakun kan zirah ni??

Ubat kutu yang entah berapa ratus kotak dari Malaysia.

Tak payah susah-susah nak panggil budak2 bila nak buat Ops kutu ni. Kita datang je surau, bawa sekali ubat kutu bagai. These children pun datang lah. Macam pakej combo gitu..

Tersentuh naluri keibuan zirah tengok budak2 ni tunggu turn diorang kat pintu surau.. Akak mintak maaf ye dik. Akak kena kunci pintu surau tu.. TT__TT

Zirah ada gaya nak jadi pemilik salon yang berjaya tak? ehehe

And on the same time, team prihatin yang sangat gigih dengan aktiviti mengagihkan sumbangan.

First meal buka puasa di surau kampung. taraaa~

Oh, lupe lak.. cuba zoom siki pic ni.. macam ni laa diorang kat sana jual ais. ayah zirah cakap, macam ni laa gak kat Malaysia masa ayah kecik2.. about 30 years ago..

to be continued,

MISI PRIHATIN KEMBOJA - Kemboja Ramadhan ep. 1

Alhamdulillah.. all praises is for ALLAH azzawajalla.. 

Dia yg telah memberkahi, 

yg telah memberkati kelancaran program Sinar Ramadhan di Bumi Kemboja ini..

First, let me explains what GISO USIM is. Basically, GISO – Global Islamic Student Outreach is one of USIM’s big ambitions untuk melahirkan generasi al-Abrar. Generasi pelajar yang peka dan prihatin terhadap ummah. #peduliUmmah

GISO adalah satu program pengantarabangsaan berbentuk khidmat komuniti. Bila dah nama pun antarabangsa, jadi khidmat komuniti atau khidmat masyarakat ni perlulah dibuat di luar negara. Some of my friends went to China, some went to Korea, some went to Indonesia, some went to Sri Lanka et cetera et cetera.

Kalau nak dicerita sejarah group GISO zirah ni, sebenarnya group ni group ke Vietnam. But, fate decided that we don’t belong there. At the intermission, berkali-kali ubah tarikh program atas banyak sebab. Rupa-rupanya ALLAH dah rancang supaya kami pergi sana time Ramadhan menjengah. How Great He is.

Ramadhan 1435 Hijrah.

First time sambut ramadhan jauh dari family,

kalau dulu jauh dari family pun setakat duduk kat asrama je,

kali ni melangkau negeri, melangkau negara.

nasib baik tak melangkau benua.

Preparation sebelum fly yang sangat hectic. Imagine, last paper exam hari jumaat fly hari isnin. dalam 2 hari gap tu lah nak buat semua benda. nak pack barang2 yang nak disumbang ke sana, nak tukar currency duit, nak beli barang2 personal utk dibawa kesana, nak meeting dengan Prof, nak itu nak ini.. =.=” sigh~

Apa2 pun ALHAMDULILLAH syukur, semua dah selesai.

Kalau group sebelum ni dapat pergi dengan IM Azhar, group kami dapat pergi dengan IM Naufal, panggil Aman sajjo..

The first day,

Again, timbang kotak lagi. Naik AirAsia sajo. Need to save the kilos for kargo untuk barang2 sumbangan. So, most of us hand carry je bag bawak naik cabin.

Walaupun pak cik bus tersalah bagi bus kecik, bus mini untuk kitorang. Tapi semangat kami besar!!

Taraa.. ini baru part of the barang2.. ada berkotak2 lagi..

jjangggg..

Pemalu rupanya I nihhhhhh.. ahaks

Gate pelepasan antarabangsa KLIA2 yang sangat lah jauh.. dah rasa macam merentas desa masa sekolah dulu2 uhhh.. semua over excited bila jumpa escalator..

Somehow, zirah suka gambar ni sebab zirah macam disimbah cahaya sinar Ramadhan.

Angan2 nak panjat tangga naik plane hancur musnah. T_T

jalan punya jalan, sedar2 je dah dalam plane.

kalau panjat tangga baru fefeeling gituh. imagine ea kalau panjat tangga.

one step,

two step,

three step, stop.

pandang langit then say, GOODBYE MALAYSIA. SEE YOU SOON.
mau menitis air mata dohh..

This is Phnom Penh. Landed in kemboja 4.44 ptg, 5.44 waktu Malaysia.

Van ni cuma untuk orang2 yang kurus sajer!!

Affa, Sofeah, Amirah, Asha, Lisa, Auni, Dely, Khalaf, Zaty and ZIRAHHHHHHH…

First meal in Cambodia, ni pun Thai cuisine. tapi sedap giloss.. telur dadar tu yang plg epic lah. sedap sangat999999x..

Air the herba yang paling zirah tangkap cintan.. sekali tengok macam air kosong je.. Anything that is good for your body is yummy.. tak gituh?

to be continued.